ing in the photo. they are to have the right lighting, background, composition, etc. to hold meaning in regards to the subject. so, i had to consider what represents me. how am i supposed to know what represents me when i don't even know who i am? how can i know who i am if i can't even decide what to wear today or whether or not its important to me to eat only grass fed beef? well, anyway. here are the two portraits i ended up with. i've manipulated them post-shot because this is how i envisioned it in my head. for the class, we aren't allowed to do anything to the photos--which is a huge hinderance to me as of now, but i supposed it's good i learn to do everything manually before i can move on the greater things. so, back to the point. since leaving home, cort and i have been exploring the concept of truth more in depth. transitioning up here without family, friends, or a church afforded us the opportunity of getting out of the bubble we were living in. we've been no longer surrounded by American Christianity as we know it, and it has been so refreshing. i've come to the conclusion that it's impossible to be objective about anything when you place yourself in a bubble with one narrow viewpoint. that being said, it's been wonderful to escape that bubble and have the chance to see our beliefs objectively.
a reassurance, we have not abandoned everything we've believed. we hold on to much of what we've believed and admire Jesus very much. we're simply exploring why we believe what we believe, and along with that--we're exploring things that we've never given a chance because Christianity says not to. for example, since being up here, we have found this neat little shop that many would call "new age." it's been really great to sit down and talk with someone who believes something else so openly. i would have laughed had someone told me
that i would be interested in "new age" things a year ago. there are, however, a lot of interesting and intriguing concepts to be explored. one thing we have done there is had our akashic records read by the owner. if you don't know what that is, you should check it out. basically, it's where you contact your higher self to get some answers about who you are and where you've come from. i won't go into details about what we heard, but it was encouraging to say the least. even if all of that is bogus, the things we were told gave us hope and a push to be the kind of people we want to be--ones that make a difference in a starved, dying world.
so, there it is. i have an idea of who i want to be, but i don't really know what that means because i don't know who or what i am to begin with. sometimes it's easiest to just throw my hands in the air and brush off all the philosophical nonsense and just say that i need to be the change i want to see in the world, but that isn't satisfying enough. i want more. what that really means i'm not sure, but i guess i'm tired of sitting around waiting for something to come to me--and i'm tired of the same old games--of not being honest or true for fear of things so trivial.
i think the biggest fear we've had is losing our families over this as they are so dearly in love with Jesus and the whole Christian lifestyle. we have fear of their misunderstanding and of their reaction to our questioning. but more than being afraid of them rejecting our new thinking, i am most fearful of having superficial relationships with the people you are supposed to know best. family is supposed to be your rock and the ones you can explore and share things with. my family is so wonderful--loving and forgiving, and they are so much fun. but i feel as though no one really knows anyone else. it's all so surface level, sometimes i just wonder what the point even is.
i guess i just want to be honest. i just want the truth--of life and from people. forgive my randomness--this is just a stream of thoughts...
