what can i say. life is both crumbling and coming together simultaneously. i guess that's the way it usually works when you're embarking on something so grand. this past weekend was enlightening. an intoxicated conversation with cort and blake led to an understanding...something deeper than i have ever felt--even within my previous devotion and passion for Jesus Christ. it was an understanding that there is something bigger--call it God, call it "the infinite"--and we are all a part of it. we're all so connected, and that sort of connection is what i've always desired. Western cultures put this sort of connection within the confines of marriage--at leas that's what i always thought would satisfy this odd desire to "know" someone. but i've discovered that there is something beyond the titles and commitments of this fleeting life. there is a connecting of souls than can be had between any two beings that are willing. this wasn't just something i came to with reason and thoughts--it's something i felt deep within the core of myself. it was something terribly wonderful.

somehow this gave me a peace about life for the first time in a long time. i didn't wake up the next morning in fear and anxiety as i have for the last 6 years. i felt as if i had an understanding with life itself for the first time. i could spend the day in peace--loving and revering everything because God lies within it all. i was all right with the idea that i didn't know everything and that not everything can be known. it didn't matter.

then came the whirlwind. the confrontation with my family--whom i dearly love. i knew it would happen that way. two against four. cort and i trying to explain that we no longer can call ourselves Christians because we don't even know what that means. we can't label ourselves something that we aren't sure of--it's unfair to ardent believers of the faith and unfair to us. we don't know what we are--we just are searching for the truth, searching for God. that's all we know at this point, and to jump to confining ourselves to one set of beliefs before exploring others would be foolish. we have all these questions that we've always been given answers to by people around us, but we've never sought out the answers for ourselves.

so, now is that time. though i press forward physically drained and emotionally torn, i have hope. the confrontation with my family has left me wounded...it hurts to hurt them. it tears me up to think that they are in turmoil because they think we've rejected what they know to be truth. i've been there. we went through that with Blake and his abandonment of the Christian faith. but that's something we all must do if we desire to seek the truth. we must strip ourselves of that which we were conditioned to believe and seek out God for ourselves.

and for some reason, i feel liberated writing all this for whomever wants to read it. i feel no fear...no fear to watch what i say or word something differently. i'm not going to proofread this with my family or anyone else in mind. i'm going to write my thoughts because that's all i have, and i'm finally ready to be honest with the world and with myself [whoever that might be].

..

i was required this week to take self-portraits in one of my classes. portraits are supposed to be more than an adequate representation of someone. good portraits are supposed to hold an essence of the being in the photo. they are to have the right lighting, background, composition, etc. to hold meaning in regards to the subject. so, i had to consider what represents me. how am i supposed to know what represents me when i don't even know who i am? how can i know who i am if i can't even decide what to wear today or whether or not its important to me to eat only grass fed beef? well, anyway. here are the two portraits i ended up with. i've manipulated them post-shot because this is how i envisioned it in my head. for the class, we aren't allowed to do anything to the photos--which is a huge hinderance to me as of now, but i supposed it's good i learn to do everything manually before i can move on the greater things.

so, back to the point. since leaving home, cort and i have been exploring the concept of truth more in depth. transitioning up here without family, friends, or a church afforded us the opportunity of getting out of the bubble we were living in. we've been no longer surrounded by American Christianity as we know it, and it has been so refreshing. i've come to the conclusion that it's impossible to be objective about anything when you place yourself in a bubble with one narrow viewpoint. that being said, it's been wonderful to escape that bubble and have the chance to see our beliefs objectively.

a reassurance, we have not abandoned everything we've believed. we hold on to much of what we've believed and admire Jesus very much. we're simply exploring why we believe what we believe, and along with that--we're exploring things that we've never given a chance because Christianity says not to. for example, since being up here, we have found this neat little shop that many would call "new age." it's been really great to sit down and talk with someone who believes something else so openly. i would have laughed had someone told me

that i would be interested in "new age" things a year ago. there are, however, a lot of interesting and intriguing concepts to be explored. one thing we have done there is had our akashic records read by the owner. if you don't know what that is, you should check it out. basically, it's where you contact your higher self to get some answers about who you are and where you've come from. i won't go into details about what we heard, but it was encouraging to say the least. even if all of that is bogus, the things we were told gave us hope and a push to be the kind of people we want to be--ones that make a difference in a starved, dying world.

so, there it is. i have an idea of who i want to be, but i don't really know what that means because i don't know who or what i am to begin with. sometimes it's easiest to just throw my hands in the air and brush off all the philosophical nonsense and just say that i need to be the change i want to see in the world, but that isn't satisfying enough. i want more. what that really means i'm not sure, but i guess i'm tired of sitting around waiting for something to come to me--and i'm tired of the same old games--of not being honest or true for fear of things so trivial.

i think the biggest fear we've had is losing our families over this as they are so dearly in love with Jesus and the whole Christian lifestyle. we have fear of their misunderstanding and of their reaction to our questioning. but more than being afraid of them rejecting our new thinking, i am most fearful of having superficial relationships with the people you are supposed to know best. family is supposed to be your rock and the ones you can explore and share things with. my family is so wonderful--loving and forgiving, and they are so much fun. but i feel as though no one really knows anyone else. it's all so surface level, sometimes i just wonder what the point even is.

i guess i just want to be honest. i just want the truth--of life and from people. forgive my randomness--this is just a stream of thoughts...

Well, here it goes. I've always avoided online blogging because of my ever-enduring obsession with journaling. The journaling, however, has really ceased since, well, since Cort and I have been together. Prior to him, I generally had a lot of things to write. Of course, since we've been together, I've had a lot of things to write as well, but things that are not harrowing or completely depressing seem to be less interesting to write about. Hopefully, I am able to maintain some sort of candor as I attempt to start writing about my thoughts and life again. Then again, I wasn't always the most candid when writing in my journal either. At times, it became more about the style of my writing or the words I used rather than the thoughts I actually compiled. I thought of it as an art, and it was something wonderful to be able to create a beautiful page out of next to nothing. Creating is really my livelihood, but candor is necessary for true growth. So much has changed in the past few months, and hopefully through writing, I will be able to explore that in depth.