what can i say. life is both crumbling and coming together simultaneously. i guess that's the way it usually works when you're embarking on something so grand. this past weekend was enlightening. an intoxicated conversation with cort and blake led to an understanding...something deeper than i have ever felt--even within my previous devotion and passion for Jesus Christ. it was an understanding that there is something bigger--call it God, call it "the infinite"--and we are all a part of it. we're all so connected, and that sort of connection is what i've always desired. Western cultures put this sort of connection within the confines of marriage--at leas that's what i always thought would satisfy this odd desire to "know" someone. but i've discovered that there is something beyond the titles and commitments of this fleeting life. there is a connecting of souls than can be had between any two beings that are willing. this wasn't just something i came to with reason and thoughts--it's something i felt deep within the core of myself. it was something terribly wonderful.

somehow this gave me a peace about life for the first time in a long time. i didn't wake up the next morning in fear and anxiety as i have for the last 6 years. i felt as if i had an understanding with life itself for the first time. i could spend the day in peace--loving and revering everything because God lies within it all. i was all right with the idea that i didn't know everything and that not everything can be known. it didn't matter.

then came the whirlwind. the confrontation with my family--whom i dearly love. i knew it would happen that way. two against four. cort and i trying to explain that we no longer can call ourselves Christians because we don't even know what that means. we can't label ourselves something that we aren't sure of--it's unfair to ardent believers of the faith and unfair to us. we don't know what we are--we just are searching for the truth, searching for God. that's all we know at this point, and to jump to confining ourselves to one set of beliefs before exploring others would be foolish. we have all these questions that we've always been given answers to by people around us, but we've never sought out the answers for ourselves.

so, now is that time. though i press forward physically drained and emotionally torn, i have hope. the confrontation with my family has left me wounded...it hurts to hurt them. it tears me up to think that they are in turmoil because they think we've rejected what they know to be truth. i've been there. we went through that with Blake and his abandonment of the Christian faith. but that's something we all must do if we desire to seek the truth. we must strip ourselves of that which we were conditioned to believe and seek out God for ourselves.

and for some reason, i feel liberated writing all this for whomever wants to read it. i feel no fear...no fear to watch what i say or word something differently. i'm not going to proofread this with my family or anyone else in mind. i'm going to write my thoughts because that's all i have, and i'm finally ready to be honest with the world and with myself [whoever that might be].